Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
