after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
