So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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