I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize