There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
