i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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