I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
