My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
