Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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