True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
