you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We have so much sex to catch up on
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
