I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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