its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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