FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
