Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
