At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
