Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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