The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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