I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
