So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
