my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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