the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
