Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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