I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
