I accidentally burped into my bong.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
