never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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