The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
