Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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