We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
