"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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