The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
