I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
