if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
