Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
