Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
