dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
