She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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