you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
