that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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