Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
