the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
