I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
