Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
