John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
