The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All the doctor said was why
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
