make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
