Your dad touched me again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
