chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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