Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
