found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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