thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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