god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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