I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I could fuck to npr.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
