Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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