I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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