don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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