she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
