Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
