I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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