Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
