Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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