So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
