Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
