She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think I won the penis lottery.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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