um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
